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"high maintenance" doesn't even begin to cover it#%&@*!!!!!!
...and that's how the handsome prince worked himself into an early grave...and then the children cleaned their rooms, got mommy her drink, and went straight to bed. The End.
...and what are you wearing?...because puppies never have affairs with their secretaries
a penny saved, if you ask me, is just plain stupida real friend will help you hide the body
all dressed up with nothing to drinkall I want is an umbrella in my drink
all this and a paycheck too...an attitude is a terrible thing to waste
and that, my friends, is how you throw a frisbeeand voila! margaritas for everyone!
another day in paradise...are we there yet?
are you certain you want to interrupt my coffee break?beauty: it's not just a job, it's an adventure
beauty: it's not just a job... it's an adventurebecause I'm the mother... that's why
bite meborn to be wild
breathalyze mebreathalyze me!
can I be a boy instead?can I retire now?
Can someone call the Coast Guard? I believe I've dropped my Mai Tai.change is good
cheer up, dear... it's nothing a great manicure can't fixchoosy moms choose beer
cocktail hour can do absolute wonders for office moralecocktail hour did absolute wonders for office morale
consider me a flight riskdid somebody say "free gift with purchase"?
did somebody say "open bar"?did we forget the children at the baggage claim... again?
do I ever question your lifestyle?do we ever question your lifestyle?
do you think my sister means it when she says we need therapy?domestically disabled
don't fence me indrinks after work? why wait that long?
ever wish you could shoot some people with more than just a camera?everyone needs a hobby, dear... mine is cocktails
everyone needs a hobby, dear... mine is drinkingflattery will get you nowhere... a Mercedes, on the other hand...
forget the moon... fly me to Vegas!fortunately for him, she had just that minute lowered the bar
fortunately, she had remembered to stock up on Prozac before going home for the holidaysfrom scratch? why yes... I scratched the label right off the bakery's box
frugal is such an ugly wordfunny... I don't recall asking for your opinion
FYI... I never LOLgolly! liquor is quicker!
good girls go to heaven... I just want to go shoppinggood girls go to heaven... just take me to a five-star hotel
good girls go to heaven...I just need to get to Atlantagood girls go to heaven...I just need to get to Chicago
good girls go to heaven...I just need to get to LAXgosh, Mom! I'd rather eat cat poo!
guess where I'm tattooedha, ha, very funny... now where are we really staying?
had she really hit Reply to All?!?!?had she really hit Reply to All?!?!?
has anyone seen my hormones?he gave new meaning to "dressing the turkey"
he had what it takes... so she took ithell yeah, I've been naughty!
help! I'm on vacation, and I can't get up!her proudest achievement was staying blonde
hmm... you say tomato... I say Bloody Mary!hmm...what can I buy today?
honey, I'm already at my cruising altitudehoney, this asks for your occupation... shall I just write "ball-buster"?
honey, you couldn't handle half of mehoney? are credit card limits, like, set in stone?
hopes and dreams would only distract me from making these awesome casserolesHurrah! At last I'm 40!
Hurrah! At last I'm 50!hurry up, Charlotte! my credit cards are about to expire!
hurry, dear... if you miss the bus you'll have to walk 'cause mommy can't drink and driveI believe the word you're searching for is "divine"
I believe we have an opportunity to make some extremely poor choicesI came... I shopped... I'm ready for a cocktail.
I can't afford to go on vacation so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am anymoreI dreamed my whole desk was clean...
I dreamed my whole house was clean...I have so much... and yet I want more!
I have what one might call "special needs"I love not camping
I promised to love and cherish... but I didn't promise to fly coachI should come with a warning label
I think you heard me the first timeI wish I were knitting
I'd rather be getting my nails done...I'll follow you to the ends of the earth... but not to a Motel 6
I'm going to be the most popular girl in rehab!I'm not married yet... I'm not married yet... I'm not married yet...
I'm so happy it's happy hourif by "happy" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm happy
if by "having fun" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, we're having funif I had wanted to be ignored I would have bought a cat
if looks could kill women wouldn't need frying pans in the event of a water landing...bikini enclosed
inner beauty is for amateursis it possible that I'm simply too attractive?
it's always fun until somebody breaks a nail...it's like a mini bar with wings!
it's not you, darling... it's your limited earning potentialit's okay... I didn't want a real life anyway
it's so involved being meJack Frost was really beginning to piss her off
just file it under "who cares?"just let my conscience be our guide
lactose is just one of the many things I don't toleratelaundry! grocery shopping! carpool! and it's not even my birthday!
look... I already told you I liked your manicure, okay?looking for trouble? look no further...
make mine estrogenmake your own damn dinner
make your own damn dinnermale refrigerator blindness claims another victim
martinis... they're not just for breakfast anymoremedicated and motivated
mommy? are you sure it's okay to leave Grandpa tied to the dock?more paperwork, please
my garden kicks assmy lobotomy did wonders for my morale... no more crazy feminist talk from me!
NIMJD!now remember, sweetheart... if you lose another lunchbox Mommy will have to sell you to pirates
now was probably not the best time to tell the kids they were Jewishof course it buys happiness
oh Daddy! you're so much more fun after your third cocktail!oh sweetie... I blew far more than just the budget
old enough to know better... too young to give a rat's asson second thought... let's get drunk and order pizza!
only four more hours 'til my next dose!oops! I spent the grocery money on shoes again...
please call back when I give a damnprepare to be amazed
remember, son... the formula for success is 10% inspiration and 90% intoxicationremember, sweetie... I'll be checking it twice... at least twice
same circus... different clownsSavage Mixed Card Pack
say it with carbohydratesScandalous Mixed Card Pack
screw the budget!she could never remember which was better... ...safe? ...or sorry?
she could see no good reason to act her ageshe couldn't even remember the last time she partied with adults
she had made yet another wise shopping decisionshe had not yet decided whether to use her power for good... or for evil
she kind of enjoyed working for an idiotshe was certain that money could buy happiness if only he'd try harder
she was comforted by the knowledge that they were helpless without hershe was one cocktail away from proving his mother right
sign up for a life of drudgery and receive these free gifts!size matters
so, men... it's official: we don't know a damn thing about womenso...how does a bombshell like me get through security
someone called...about something...someone has to set a bad example
someone is about to get herself voted off this islandsomeone was going to have to set a bad example
sometimes it all seems so pointless... well, except for cocktailsstop me before I volunteer again
surely it must be five o'clock somewheresurely it must be five o'clock somewhere
ta-daa! now let's have a cocktail...the day was in dire need of a Ctrl+Alt+Delete
the key word is "alleged"the mistletoe wasn't the only thing that was going to get hammered
the only thing left to polish off now is the eggnoggthe only thing left to polish off now is the gin
the oven isn't the only thing I left turned onthe secret ingredient is resentment
think of me as "unexpected turbulence"this is going to look fabulous on my resume!
together we will own your grandparentswalk faster... the children are catching up
was she in love... or was it just allergies?we all have our baggage
we go together like drunk and disorderlywe prefer the word "discomfort"
we've all decided to blame youwhat am I making for supper? why, sweetie, I'm making whatever the hell I want served with a side of eat it or starve
what do you get for the girl who has everything? another cocktail, perhaps?what part of "I'm hung over, go home" don't you understand?
what the...? I specifically requested five golden ringswhat's a nice girl like me doing without a drink in her hand?
whatever had she done? and with whom?when I said "for poorer" you can't think I was serious
when you never lift a finger you get lovely fingerswhere's the toy in this stupid happy meal?
which twin has the STD?who are you calling an old bag?
whoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted liquorwhoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted scotch
whoever said that breaking up is hard to do had clearly never dated this bozowhy am I sober?
why do dishes when you can do daiquiris?why don't you go Xerox your ass?
why yes, I am overqualifiedwhy yes, I am that kind of girl
why, I'd be delighted to put my needs last againWOW! I get to give birth AND change diapers!
WTF???yes, we are lesbians... and no, you can't watch
yippee! I get to make dinner again tomorrow!You be Thelma. I'll be Louise.
you have to start drinking pretty damn early if you want to stay wasted all dayyou know me... busy, busy!
you mess with the kitty, you feel the clawsyou saw mommy kissing no one, understand?
you were right, honey... this is a lot more fun than golf and beer with the guysyou'll eat it... you'll eat it and like it
you're never too old... to try something stupidyou're right! it does look like her Facebook picture!
your honor, I plead not guilty by reason of being so damn good-looking“I’m So Happy It’s Happy Hour” Cocktail Book
 
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